Or at least that is how I feel at the moment. I often wonder if anyone else in the world every feels lonely, and unwanted or is it just something that I battle. I know the answer to that, and it is something that we all battle. I guess the better question is how to conquer it. I started my blog again a few months ago in order to help single young women who feel incomplete without a husband. My intended goal was to show the world that until God gives my earthly husband that Christ is my all time groom, but I have failed at this as well.
Something that I don't share with a lot of people is that I battle greatly with depression. I have had this battle for as long as I can remember but up until a about a year and a half ago, I would never admit this because of pride. Pride goes before a fall and that is the truth. When I finally fell, I fell hard and in many ways I'm still getting up.
How am I today you may ask? I still have my bouts with the depression, and I'm having a major one right now, but the difference is I have not walked off my job two days in a row and gotten drunk(don't do it, it is so not worth the hang over). But, I am struggling and no one can see it. I'm struggling more and more everyday to get up and keep going. So, one if you are depressed please realize that this is something that you can only fight though God and with his mercy and grace. Doing it in yourself will leave you more hurt than you are. Also, realize there may something more wrong than just being depressed.....there actually may be a physical problem. So, if it does not pass make sure to see a doctor and most importantly pray for God to heal and deliver you. I am no medication for depression and anxiety, and I do believe that one day God will completely heal me of this sickness, but until then I will cling to the hope I have in him. Don't let other Christians or anyone for that matter make you feel bad that you have to have medication. For a long time I fell into that trap until I realized there is more to my problem......my problem may be physical. Most Christians (Let me clarify I am a Christian so I'm not saying all Christians are this way) feel medication for this is a sign of weakness, but they do not understand about the chemicals in the brain. Depression causes the chemicals in our brains to get out of whack so to speak and the medication will help bring those levels back to normal. Many people when the levels are back to normal they are okay, but it wasn't like that for me. For whatever reason when I go off my meds right now the "dark moods" get worse so for my safety.....I stay on them until God tells me to go off. Also, remember that people do not realize that often times when they are trying to help....they are really only making it worse. They don't mean to. I think this is hard for me to understand because I'm so critical of myself that when someone else is critical of me and continues to be critical of me it will send me deeper in a depression if I'm already battling. Especially if this person is a person whose opinion is one I value highly. So, I'm trying to keep in mind it is not intentional.
Back to why I'm writing....So, now I'm out to figure out why I'm the monster every sees in me and how to fix it. So, until the next time I write. Which should be this week because I will want to share my study on The Beattitudes.
