I know, I know, I know......

I need to blog.......I know......I will.....I'm just tired after the Thunder game......I will soon.

A very different Christmas for me.......

I am 27 and this is the first Christmas that I have never been around family, and it has been a very hard day for me but a day with deep settled comfort in the love from my Jesus. I am in a place that I do not have family close to me and God has not put my husband in my life yet, and at times I could not help but to feel out of place, but I'm so very thankful for the friends that stepped in and made me feel like part of their family this weekend.

This morning I went to Christmas service at Oakcrest Church of Christ. I have several friends that go there and it was a wonderful service. Now, many may be reading not knowing that if you are in a Church of Christ service.....there will be no music with their singing, and let me tell you it is the most beautiful singing that I have heard in all my life. Their singing amazes me. I love to just sit and listen to the singing. Until this morning I don't think I realize just how the actual music interferes with the words that we sing at time. Now, don't stone me when I say that......it is just often time we get caught on a beat and don't pay attention to the words we are singing. I love music and instruments and don't plan to give that up, but this morning was just beautiful. Pastor Ben gave a wonderful message that I think has been part of series. At the end of the service they had everyone come to the front and pray and hold hands and sing Joy to the World. I love that song because Christ truly has brought joy to my life this year. However that was one part of the service that took me way out of my comfort zone......when we all had to go down front and pray and sing. I didn't know 1% of the people there and having to be so close to so many people I did not know made me so nervous. I started the hand thing that my therapist (and yes you read that word correct) told me I do when I really uncomfortable. I was going to stay for the community dinner, but I really wasn't doing well with being in large crowds of people that I did not know so a friend and I crashed another friends house for dinner and it was a wonderful dinner. Then I came home and took a 3 hour nap.

I would love to say that my emotions are in check and where they should be, but I am still struggling with not being at my mom's right now. As I type my family is having Christmas with each other, but this time next Saturday I will be at my moms "having Christmas" with them. She is saved cooking the ham until next Saturday. ;)

Like I said in my title......this has been a different Christmas for me. Meaning that yes, I'm sad that I'm not with my family, but two very big things has happened over the past week. One, is after years of struggling with the fact of "Am I really worth God loving question" I found my answer in God. God made me, provided Christ to die for my sin so that proves he loves me and when I accepted Christ and came into a right standing with God that made me worthy of his love because of the blood of Christ, and for that blood I am so very thankful. I have found my worth and value in my Lord. I know that He loves me and cares for me and that is now a deep understand that embedded in my heart. Many may not agree with what I say, but it is where I found peace.

And, next many may not know that my parents are divorced, which always meant holidays are very stressful for me because I had to be several places at once. I was always worried about who was mad or hurt because I many times had to choose one place or the other. One family or the other. This year was not like that......I could just concentrate upon God and his love for me because that is my favorite "present".

I'm going back to see my family next week. I'm looking forward to seeing them, but at the same time very nervous because I am not the same person I was the last time they saw me. I have grew and healed much since then. There have been many changes in my life. One being that now enforce boundaries that are healthy for me. It will be hard to keep those boundaries while there but those boundaries keep me safe and ensure that I don't get stressed out and can enjoy being with everyone.

I hope each of you had a wonderful Christmas filled with love, joy, and peace.

Once a weekish

I never know what to say when I sit down to blog. There is always more in my head than what comes out, but I just never know what to say. You would think for some one as chatty as I am.....that I would have no problems blogging but I do.

Well, lets see this was a very busy weekend by far. Saturday we prepared for church under the for most of the day and then that night I had my very first CR leaders meeting/Christmas party and it was a blast. I laughed so very much. It was just what I needed to relax. I have made some wonderful friends at my CR group and I am very, very thankful for them.

Sunday was a very busy day that started out with me teaching Sunday school and I felt so scattered. I am just not the teacher that Tammi is. I think my mind was on my service for Sunday night. Then we had church under the bridge and let me tell you it was COLD, COLD, COLD. After that I was so very thankful for my warm house to come home to.

Then it was time for my service that night and mind was going in a million and one different directions, but I think it went over well. I shared a lot of my personal journey over this past year and about my journey to healing. I talked a lot about we should never judge others for the path of healing that God has placed before them. We recorded the service so if you want.....you can go to our local church page to hear it. I had a wonderful friend of my Teresa to come and sing.....she has such a beautiful voice, and had several other wonderful friends that have been very much a part of the past year there with me. So, I think that it went well. I was just so nervous because I opened up a lot of details about my life that most do not know, but if we are not willing share out lives then how are to we expect a hurting world to know that we are real and we experience pain, but we know the healer? (sorry, run on but I warned you that if you read this is something you would have to overlook.)

Then it was Monday again. Oh, did I mention that my house looked like a tornado went through it. At least tonight I somewhat got the living room and kitchen cleaned.

That's all for now so until next time.......just keep swimming!

~Jess~

Wow! A year?? Really??

And I just had an entire paragraphed typed and deleted it! GRRRR! I hate when that happens. For the short version......my life has change a lot in a year, and I'm sure I will write a lot about that because there could be something I say that would help someone that may be reading. Just a warning......everything that I write about will not be from a traditional point of view and could be offensive to some. Remember that if you are offended.....you don't have to read.

That is about all I have for tonight. I'm enjoying a nice quiet night doing laundry. Tomorrow is a busy day with church then church under the bridge and then a connections group that I go to with some friends.

And, for Sister Brock........I will do my very best to update at least once a week. :)

Until next time....Jess

Stuck in the mud!

Or at least that is how I feel at the moment. I often wonder if anyone else in the world every feels lonely, and unwanted or is it just something that I battle. I know the answer to that, and it is something that we all battle. I guess the better question is how to conquer it. I started my blog again a few months ago in order to help single young women who feel incomplete without a husband. My intended goal was to show the world that until God gives my earthly husband that Christ is my all time groom, but I have failed at this as well.

Something that I don't share with a lot of people is that I battle greatly with depression. I have had this battle for as long as I can remember but up until a about a year and a half ago, I would never admit this because of pride. Pride goes before a fall and that is the truth. When I finally fell, I fell hard and in many ways I'm still getting up.

How am I today you may ask? I still have my bouts with the depression, and I'm having a major one right now, but the difference is I have not walked off my job two days in a row and gotten drunk(don't do it, it is so not worth the hang over). But, I am struggling and no one can see it. I'm struggling more and more everyday to get up and keep going. So, one if you are depressed please realize that this is something that you can only fight though God and with his mercy and grace. Doing it in yourself will leave you more hurt than you are. Also, realize there may something more wrong than just being depressed.....there actually may be a physical problem. So, if it does not pass make sure to see a doctor and most importantly pray for God to heal and deliver you. I am no medication for depression and anxiety, and I do believe that one day God will completely heal me of this sickness, but until then I will cling to the hope I have in him. Don't let other Christians or anyone for that matter make you feel bad that you have to have medication. For a long time I fell into that trap until I realized there is more to my problem......my problem may be physical. Most Christians (Let me clarify I am a Christian so I'm not saying all Christians are this way) feel medication for this is a sign of weakness, but they do not understand about the chemicals in the brain. Depression causes the chemicals in our brains to get out of whack so to speak and the medication will help bring those levels back to normal. Many people when the levels are back to normal they are okay, but it wasn't like that for me. For whatever reason when I go off my meds right now the "dark moods" get worse so for my safety.....I stay on them until God tells me to go off. Also, remember that people do not realize that often times when they are trying to help....they are really only making it worse. They don't mean to. I think this is hard for me to understand because I'm so critical of myself that when someone else is critical of me and continues to be critical of me it will send me deeper in a depression if I'm already battling. Especially if this person is a person whose opinion is one I value highly. So, I'm trying to keep in mind it is not intentional.

Back to why I'm writing....So, now I'm out to figure out why I'm the monster every sees in me and how to fix it. So, until the next time I write. Which should be this week because I will want to share my study on The Beattitudes.

I woke up this morning.....

And realized that I was becoming very bitter because I'm 26 and still very much single. Then came the 2x4 and now I see that I was looking though the wrong window. I am listening to all the people in my life tell me that I should be married now or even dating, but news flash.....I don't want to date. That is right. I have no desire to date. I have no desire to "make out" with someone that I don't see myself marrying. Why waste my time? It could be spent doing so many other things....such as serving in areas that being single allows me to serve in. So, that is what I'm doing. I'm going to leave the value and worth of something in the mid-20s and still single and I'm going to blog my journey! Enjoy!